Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
