and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
