I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
