i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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