Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
