we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
