I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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