Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
