Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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