The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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