We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
