My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
