Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
