my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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