I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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