I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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