how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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