I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
