ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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