well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
