my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
