I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
