I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
