Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
