I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
