I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
