I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
