if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
