He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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