just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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