i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
