I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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