I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
