Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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