peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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