U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
