1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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