Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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