I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
