I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
