I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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