you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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