I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
