Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
