You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
