My ATM looks so different sober.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
