If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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