He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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