You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
