i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
