your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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