Umm I'm too high to move.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
