Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
