I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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