I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
