This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
