can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
