No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Randomize
