If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
