can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
