Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
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