Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
